April 13, 2006
What city, based on its sports mascots, should most be feared?
The most fearsome city is Oakland, who come at you with Warriors, Raiders, and Athletics. Nashville (Titans and Predators) and Phoenix (Diamondbacks, Suns, Cardinals and Coyotes) also roll strong, and if Charlotte and Raleigh were combined to represent Carolina they would win (Bobcats, Panthers, and Hurricanes). The wussiest city is certainly Los Angeles, which brings nothing but cannon fodder to the table (Angels, Clippers, Mighty Ducks, no NFL team, and a bench of Trolley Dodgers and Lakers).
The Cubs are very fearsome! They have a winning record. Right now. Lasting maybe another week.
Besides, only maybe 5 baseball teams have scary names, and that is probably pushing it. (And in defense of the Cubs, where there is a cub, there is a momma bear who is probably pissed off that you are so close to her baby.)
Yes, yes: the Cubs, like the Red Sox, are supremely awesome. However, Cubs (1), like Red Sox (0), are not intrinsically fearsome entities, second order reasoning aside. I also analyzed fearsomeness by sport: baseball was last by a large margin.
How about Minnesota? If you forget that the Twins refers to cities and instead pretend it refers to Vikings, that means you have twice as many bloodthirsty marauders out there. Add the Timberwolves and the Wild (timberwolves in the wild, perhaps?) and I think you're doing pretty good.
Yeah, I do worry that my methodology overly punishes teams for cannon fodder. However, I still think Phoenix (Suns, Diamondbacks, and Coyotes) could defeat Minny (Wild [animals? animus?], Vikings, and Timberwolves).
I would have to imagine that Sun would indeed be the greatest enemy of people from Nordic lands. Point taken.
What about the NY teams? Giants, Rangers, Metropolitans, Jets, Yankees, Islanders and Knickerbachers? That almost sounds like an intentional pairing of opposites to me. Inasmuch as an internal civil war is fearsome, NY has it.
And alas, StL probably does pretty badly, unless you interpret "cardinals" as being the Catholic clergy, and then go in the wayback machine to the 17th century, at which point, you totally kick ass and take names during the 30 years war, ramming your opposition, which, in turn, gives them the blues.
When all the New York teams are listed like that it looks (more than anything) like chooseable character classes/races in a really horrible D&D or GURPS iteration. I'm the Lawful Good Yankee Knickerbocker and you can be a Chaotic Neutral Giant Ranger!
The Rangers were a real problem -- we all know that a TX Ranger is nothing to mess with, but WTF is a NY Ranger?
Was the score of 0 for the Chicago Blackhawks based on an assumption of them being birds or Native American chiefs? The KC Chiefs rated a 3.
Hell, TX Rangers should have gotten a 10. I read somewhere that Chuck Norris started the 80's by roundhouse kicking Mr. T. That is FEARSOME!
Emailed to me earlier today:
JMaggard@some.where wrote:
Sir, have you forgotten how much all of America feared the "Reds" in the cold war?? And Indians a "1" for fear?? What, are they going to scalp you at the Whole Foods store?? Does the frightening image of a Blackjack dealer fly through your head as you watch the Cleveland team? Perhaps back in 1906 "Indians" were fear inducing, but in the modern era??
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I think drfeeljay made a good point about Chicago (Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks). However, the Cubs and White Sox are probably a little less fearsome.
posted by natedogg at 12:16PM CST on April 13