August 19, 2005
NanoCindy and I checked out the Killers concert tonight at Stubb's and I want to take this time to send out a special, special dedication to the girl standing to my left.
Yes, you in the pink Killers shirt. You must be a big fan. I know this not because of your attire (although that was a pretty good clue), but because of the way that you raised your hands and rocked them back and forth wildly in my field of vision for the entire show. At first, I admit I was annoyed by the distraction, but soon enough my annoyance turned to curiosity as I began to notice what you were doing.
It started off slowly. There would be a lyric saying "come on" or something similar and your raised hands would beckon slightly. I figured that you were kind of in the moment and perhaps dreaming about beckoning the dreamy midget lead singer to come ravish you in front of your meathead boyfriend. Fair enough. But then a few seconds later, there was a line saying "you shouldn't do that" or something similar and I noticed that you reverted to a wagging finger like Dikembe Mutumbo used to do after blocking a shot.
Wait a minute, I thought. She can't really be dancing to a literal interpretation of the words in the song. That would be too much like that old SNL sketch which was clearly derogatory towards the person doing the dancing. But it was. I mean, you WERE doing that. At this point, I began to ignore the show and focus on you to see what other treats you had in store, and I must say I was not disappointed. For the next few songs, I was witness to an impressive array of gestures like holding your hand over your heart when he said the word "heart" or motioning to your eyes when he said something about seeing something.
It got even better on that one song that had kind of a techno-y opening on the keyboard, and you started doing the Robot. Well, sort of. Kind of a half-assed version where you just move your hands and don't bother keeping your head still or pivoting on your feet. Maybe Mr. Miyagi had you "slicing the carrots" as part of your unconventional karate training, but I didn't hear any lyrics about carrots so that's probably not it.
Also, don't think I didn't notice your unique way of cheering. Instead of doing the traditional "woo" that is so popular with the kids today, you switched it up and tapped your hand in front of your mouth to make it sound like an Indian war cry from an old Western. Do you mind if I call it a Sioux Woo? Because that rhymes even though it totally doesn't look like it from the spelling.
Anyhow, as I was saying between your gesturing in my line of sight and your strident cheering I couldn't NOT pay attention to you. And that was before you started smoking! I knew you would burn my arm with a wild flail of your arm. Really, I did. What surprised me was how soon it happened. Social graces would dictate that you would be a bit more careful when holding something that is on fire. I was bracing myself for a lyric that had the word "burn" or "fire" in it, but I guess you had already scanned through all the lyrics in that particular song and finding nothing worthy of synchronous burnination, you decided to get it over with. Well played.
It was a few minutes later that I began to notice flaws in your work. When the lead singer announced that they would be performing a new song, I saw the crestfallen look in your eyes. Turns out it's not so fucking easy to do exactly what the song is saying when you don't already have the words memorized. I would have thought that a pro like yourself could adapt on they fly, but I was disappointed. After several more new or non-radio songs where all you could manage was a feeble sway, I began to get concerned. Most of the popular songs had already been performed and it was beginning to look like you would falter after such a strong start.
But then "Mr. Brightside" came to the rescue. Oh poppy, stick-in-your-head "Mr. Brightside". You delivered the highlight of the evening here. On the line, "It started out with a kiss" you turned around and forcefully planted one on your unsuspecting date. On time. Then you turned around so you could make a sleeping motion for the line "Now I'm falling asleep". Finally several lines later when they said "But she's touching his chest now" you turned back around and made sure to caress your man's pecs right as the words were spoken. Outstanding! I was really enthralled by this because I saw the possibilities of what came next. I knew that a couple of lines later you would have the chance to put the cherry on top of your delicious performance art sundae.
And then the line came, "I just can't look, it's killing me". Sure, you looked away, but then you totally didn't pull out a knife and eviscerate yourself! You fucking amateur. I believed in you. They didn't pat people down coming in. You totally could have done it, but you lacked the vision and the commitment to your craft to pull it off.
So, in summary, I would have enjoyed the concert more if you had killed yourself you fucking bitch.
*applause*
Habcousy might have problems getting to the internet the next few days, so if someone wanted to post it for him, or show a lame n00b like me how to do it that would be awesome. (And all this really did happen, he didn't exaggerate. The girl was absurd.)
And in the event he can check the web soon: Dude? This is what you were doing instead of packing?
holy....wow.
I give up. Habcous can write everything from now on, from the posts to the xmfc emails to the imdb movie reviews to his own featured column at mcsweeneys.
OK I crossposted the rant. This deserves it. I will post any interesting replies.
Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
oh man, the people are lovin' it on craigslist!
Luloutoo is so right. Go to the crosspost and hit go up a level from that page (click rants & raves). Look around for "re: girl in pink shirt" etc. subject lines. It's already made someone shoot PF Chang's from their nose.
"It's killing me" that habcous is incommunicado for the time being while this is splashing.
He called me once his flight landed and I told him that it would be craigslisted, and he seemed happy that people thought it was worthy. But yeah, unless he stumbles across an internet cafe, we wont hear from him until Monday.
Here is the fanmail resulting from the CL post... Couscous, when you achieve net.stardom just remember you knew us way back when.
RE: RANT: The girl in the pink Killers shirt at the Killers concert
Reply to: anon-92078912@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-19, 10:52AM CDT
I have tears in my eyes, I laughed so hard I tinkled in my briefs.
BRAVO, a well played rant.
Now if I could only be there if the girl in pink reads it.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
* this is in or around Cube cityre: RANT: The girl in the pink Killers shirt at the Killers conce
Reply to: anon-92085061@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-19, 11:15AM CDT
Did she verbally apologize to you after she burned you? And did she sing along at any time during the concert?Re: Girl in Pink T-shirt at Killers show
Reply to: anon-92086399@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-19, 11:20AM CDT
That totally made my day! Thank you! Flagged for "best of".
I wish I could see the dumb girl reading it and realizing it's herself!re RANT: The girl in the pink Killers shirt at the Killers concert
Reply to: anon-92089956@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-19, 11:34AM CDT
that made my day :)
thank you!Rave: Today's Rant & Rave
Reply to: anon-92087454@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-19, 11:24AM CDT
I don't know if last night's Jack & coke binge killed the smart brain & liver cells, but todays R&R has at least two "best ofs". Kudo's to you, you're real men of genius. I stop make sense now.RE: Girl in Pink
Reply to: anon-92117289@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-19, 1:17PM CDT
Holy Shit! That was good! I was munchin on some PF Chang's and I'l be damned if I didn't somehow shoot a rice up and almost out my nose! What a feeling! That was some funny shit!Re: Girl at Killers concert
Reply to: anon-92120552@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-19, 1:30PM CDT
Everybody who has seen PCU knows that you don't wear the t-shirt of the band whose concert you're going to see.
Don't be that guy. Or in this case, girl.pink killer bitch
Reply to: anon-92152961@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-19, 3:47PM CDT
hil-fucking-arious....flagged you for a best of....you deserve it after a rant like that....
maybe you didn't get to enjoy your concert, but at least you'll go down in craigslist history.....Carrie K
Aug 19, 2005 12:18 PM
Love it! Kick ass commentary! Do it again next week! Thank you for a
fun morning read...Geoff H
Aug 19, 2005 8:06 PM
that is by far the funniest shit i have ever heard.
LOL
that is amazing!! quite the writter my friend.
hahahaDallavamp
Aug 21, 2005 10:53 PM
I don’t know who you are, and I wasn’t at the concert unfortunately, but I’m really sorry this happened to you. But you should write comedy because you are fucking hilarious.
Cheers mate,
LRebecca F
Aug 22, 2005 2:23 PM
You are amazing.Jessica J
Aug 22, 2005 2:33 PM
awesome. seriously hilarious.kenneth h
Aug 22, 2005 4:48 PM
Fucking awsome.D'Lynne P
Aug 22, 2005 5:24 PM
you are absolutely my fucking hero. This email is making it's way around the world I think by now.Sarah W
Aug 22, 2005 7:37 PM
you might be my hero.Stephen B
Aug 23, 2005 5:34 AM
You're a fucking god.
*****
That was a beautiful moment in science.
I once had a flatmate who was trained in the mysterious, fucking annoying art of "interpretive dance". She'd do similarly annoying stuff at shows. It sounds funny but it's truly heinous to witness. I had to make a point of being out of eyeshot so I'd be able to pay attention to the gig at hand rather than wishing horrible things on this poor misguided girl.
What no pics?
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That was seriously LOL OMG BBQ ROFL funny -- you should repost as rant...
posted by mrflip at 09:11AM CST on August 19