July 29, 2005
The Queen James Bible - So, in short, our goal is to rewrite the entire Christian Bible. From Old Testament to New Testament, no word will be left unchanged. No moral will be left uncorrupted. No penis joke will be left unmade. It will be a tough, lengthy and probably fatal task, yet we shoulder the burden for the good of our fellow man.
"1:3 And God said “Let there be light, according to the Wave theory” (What a prick, they’re obviously particles).
1:4 God thought his light was pretty fap. Of course he would. Then he separated the light from the darkness, using a special kind of colander. "
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4:6 And God said unto Cain "Why art thou wroth? And why is thy countenance fallen?" to which Cain replied "What the fuck are you talking about, Shakespeare?"
4:7 God continued harping on about some bollocks, and Cain saw his brother humping a sheep in the distance. This wasn't Cain's day.
Also, I freaking love the cockney snake in the Garden:
3:1 A devious serpent appeared. It spoke quickly with a slight cockney accent. It said “Ere, can we eat from every tree round here?”
3:2 The woman replied, “Well yeah, we can eat the fruit but frankly the Chinese is a lot better.”
3:3 And she said, "Oh, and God mentioned something about not eating from the tree in the middle. The one with all the danger signs, that’s covered in spikes and blood."
3:4 The serpentsnakething said “Naaah, yer’ll be rate!
3:5 In that tree is where God keeps his private stash, It’s seriously, seriously good shit."
posted by natedogg at 09:25AM CST on July 29